ene par mastnih, a slastnih
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
"Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job."
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says
that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat
on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll
crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl
the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and
falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he
reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into
bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the
next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
A man got a new Ferrari for his birthday and went to test drive it on the highway. As he was driving he wondered how fast it could go, but before he could get very far he heard sirens. He sped up thinking he could outrun the cop, but then he came to his senses and pulled over. The cop walked over and asked for the man’s license and registration. Then the cop said, "Listen, Mac, it’s Friday, I’m tired, and I just want to go home, so if you can give me an excuse I haven’t heard before, I’ll let you go."
The man thought for a minute, then replied, "My wife ran off with a cop the other day, and I thought you were trying to give her back to me."
The cop nodded and said, "Have a nice day."
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
(brace yourself)
(this is going to hurt)
-- (really bad.) --
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confess, " I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"
